ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
