I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my being single is dangerous.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
