i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
