I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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