see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
