Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
