matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
