Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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