The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
