Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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