Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
