It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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