his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
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