Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
