I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
