I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
