I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
