I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
