Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
