i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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