mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP