Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.