I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
