I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
