I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Never underestimate the power of titties
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
