Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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