her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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