i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
