I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
