My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.