just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
