Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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