I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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