that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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