I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
