Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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