I cannot find my penis.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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