I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
