I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
