So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
