I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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