my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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