In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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