Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
