You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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