I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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