Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
