i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
