I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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