It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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