thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
