thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
