my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
