when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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