Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
