I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
