We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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