He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
